love's executioner two smiles summary

Summary. In the book "Love's executioner and other tales of psychotherapy", Irvin compiles ten of his documented cases with approval from his patients and changes names of the patients for confidentiality purposes. Another dream:I look out the window and hear a commotion in the shrubbery. Whether they were compatible in other ways seemed immaterial at this point: they were vastly incompatible in their grieving, each preferring an approach that interfered with that of the other. So much inconsistency, so much anger, almost mockery, standing cheek by jowl with such reverence. Carlos, with his incurable cancer, was so isolated and felt so shunned that I had decided to support him by going out of my way to touch him. She dripped with rage and, in our first few hours together, had something vicious to say about everyone she knewsave, of course, Albert. I stayed in touch with all her friends so I could tell her about them. Penny paused. Mind thinks in images but, to communicate with another, must transform image into thought and then thought into language. Lets try to turn this into a learning experience for him. Would you give yourself a score from one to ten on how much revealing about yourself youve done during our hour together today? Marie reminded me of a beautiful aunt who wore her hair the same way and played a major role in my adolescent sexual fantasies. His sunny face hovered in the eye of my mind and a wave of inexpressible anguish enveloped me. That seemed to help. Id rather give the money now to the Stockholm Institute than have one of my ex-wives snatch it later. But at the same time she became unaccountably more distressed and reported more sadness and more anxiety. A dream illuminated this juncture in therapy:I dreamed that the painters were supposed to paint the outside trim of my house. What would it be? It sounds like youre still having trouble trusting me and other doctors., If doctors were trustworthy, they would have thought of calling the neurosurgeon in time and my husband would still be alive!, Theres so much going on here today, so many issuesyour pain, your concerns (and misconceptions) about hypnosis, your fears of appearing foolish, your anger and distrust of doctors, including meI dont know which to attend to first. At such times one longs for an umpire of reality or some official sharp-imaged snapshot of the hour. Thats why I jumped when I saw the newspaper story. Do nothing at all. I was certain that my first impression had been close to the mark: that his impending retirement had stoked up much fundamental anxiety about finitude, aging, and death, and that he was attempting to cope with this anxiety through sexual mastery. 9780060958343 - Love's Executioner by Irvin D. Yalom - ECampus So the fact that he could still love me, despite everything he knew, meant so much.. She flat out refuses to see a shrink, a marriage therapist, a sex therapistanyone. At the very least, he would have to be up front about terminating: hed have to face me and request the letters back. As our third hour drew to a close, there was no longer any point in pretending that Penny was not in therapy with me. I was pondering whether onions really do have a lot of sugar when I arrived at Sauls home. He grieved for his past and his impending losses. I owe a great debt to the ten patients who grace these pages. Julian Barnes has, in Flauberts Parrot, illustrated in a beautiful and whimsical manner a persons inexhaustible complexity. I havent a clue.. But were an explanation demanded of me, I suppose I could point to the family of fat, controlling women, includingfeaturingmy mother, who peopled my early life. Those hours were hard for me. Cultural reinforcement is everywhere. )only when Penny had said all these things, could she stop and reflect upon what she had said. Yet he was none of these. I think you are determined, absolutely committed, to be jolly with me., Youve done this since our first meeting. Yalom presents some very important topics, especially human beings unacknowledged fear of death. The last thing we discussed was the timing of Marvins symptoms. The first letter was from a Stockholm Institute postdoctoral fellow asking Saul to write a letter supporting his application for a junior faculty position at an American university. His visual metaphors for his new chemotherapy (referred to by his oncologists as BP) were giant Bs and PsBears and Pigs; his metaphor for his hard cancerous lymph nodes was a bony-plated armadillo. . Love's executioner, and other tales of psychotherapy Item Preview remove-circle Share or Embed This Item. What are you feeling?, Disloyal. So how can I get down on you for feeling the same way?. As a counselor I felt repulsed by how he described his clients. This was no time for gallantry and there was something incongruous in the idea of a disheveled seventy-year-old infatuated, lovesick woman. Though the public may believe that therapists guide patients systematically and sure-handedly through predictable stages of therapy to a foreknown goal, such is rarely the case: instead, as these stories bear witness, therapists frequently wobble, improvise, and grope for direction. When Penny told them that he was not home, one of them ordered her to tell Jim to pay the money he owed or he could forget about coming home: there wouldnt be any house left for him to come home to. But he had overstepped himself. Matthew entered. But in the group discussion, Dave took it upon himself. I understood that as a signalan uncanny oneto myself from myself that the story I was writing was coming to an end, with another on the way. She had never allowed herself to believe that Chrissie would die. Again and again I invited Marvin to look within, to adopt, even for a moment, a cosmic perspective, to identify the deeper concerns of his existencehis sense of finitude, of aging and decline, his fear of death, his source of life purpose. She sat high in the chair, as though she were sitting in her own lap. If I really think about it (which I dont), I guess it boils down to an exchange of goodsI humor Dr. Z. and let him have his disgusting little feels in exchange for his help in my lawsuit., My smile saidWhy are you so interested in my smile?, I guess my smile said, Please, Dr. C., go on to something else. You were going to say something else, Phyllis?, Well, this is the hardest thing to say. Precisely six months after her chance meeting with Matthew in Union Square, she left a goodbye note to her husband, Harry, who was out of town for the week, waited until his goodnight phone call from the East Coast, took the phone off the hook, swallowed all the tablets, and went to bed. The message:Marvin, for the first time, discovers his daughterthe feminine, softer, sensitive side of himself. You look better, you relate better, you are so much more approachable and available now.. Several minutes later when she finished that anecdote (complete with a full historical account of how she and her sister first developed the habit of telling long tangential stories), we were hopelessly removed from our starting place and I had been effectively distanced. Usually she denied having any feelings, but sometimes she disarmed me completely by saying that she had felt very intimate that houran hour when I experienced her as particularly evasive and distant. (Yalom, 2010. p. 149). Hes scrambling for diversions, I thought. The three of us ended the hour with round-robin handshakes and parted. What do you think, will you have opened the letters before you send back the fifty thousand dollars?. Throughout the treatment, he used a variety of helping skills and approaches to attempt to breakthrough her within six months. Harrys voice was pleading rather than threatening. Everyones going to die. Carloss two insightsthe first of many to comewere a gift to me and to my students. The worlds finest tennis players train five hours a day to eliminate weaknesses in their game. Of course, Mike had no idea of what I really wanted from him. She wept often and, at times, flashed into anger. The message:I realize now that I have not done what I might have done with my life. Ive been hurt enough. Inhuman., No, its the opposite. I hadnt thought of this farmerIve forgotten his namefor over thirty years. It seemed natural for her to adjust the crumpled collar of his shirt, to brush the lint from his jacket, to take his arm as they climbed Nob Hill. It was as though I wasnt there, or at least the part of me that hurts and pulls me down. If two people share a moment or share a feeling between them, if they both feel the same thing, then I can see how it might be possible for them, as long as they are alive, to re-establish that precious feeling between the two of them. I had never seen her so irrationaland so challenging. She imagined people pitied her for having no friends. "The Wrong One Died" 4. Not only does a patients confrontation with unanswerable questions expose a therapist to these same questions, but also the therapist must recognize, as I had to in Two Smiles, that the experience of the other is, in the end, unyieldingly private and unknowable. I remembered Thelmas telling me about his teaching hand-to-hand combat in wartime. I was musing on the tone of this final commentnot quite sardonic, not quite coquettishwhen Thelma got up, telling me on her way out that she would schedule the next hour with my secretary. Anyway, Im going to stop that group. Software An illustration of two photographs. But now the important thing is to turn toward the future. It seemed to me that an important lesson Betty could learn from an awareness of death was that life had to be lived now; it could not be indefinitely postponed. Howd you do? I inquired cheerily, keeping up my side of the conversation. As I reread the book now, I am reminded once again that she was absolutely right. I like hard women, and I liked her style. He did that twice a day and taught me the practice as well. Not Dr. Farber, for example., How do you feel telling me these things?, Can you use other words than fine? More signs of thawing: she snapped her neck and sent her long black hair flying to one side and then combed her fingers through it. These anamnestic sessions were, to my mind, reasonably productive. The more I thought about it, the more pleased I was that I had restrained my curiosity and had acted selflessly and systematically in the best interests of the patient. . We spoke on the phone several times a day and saw one another fourteen times. It was wrong to talk to her about Marge. I even added that, though there was a chance that talking might help, it was also possible that talking might be temporarily unsettling. Never could I catch up with the real one. He was older than I expected, perhaps in his early forties, and conservatively dressed in an un-Californian three-piece suit. She sat motionless, a cigarette smoldering in the ashtray in her lap; her gray eyes were fixed on me. (I forgot for a moment that in this theater the actress was not really the actress but only one of the roles. But paradox can be effective in those instances where the therapeutic foundation is solid and the prescribed behavior explodes the meaning of the symptom. I finally said, Lets go, a good lay might be just the thing to get rid of some of this tension. Marvin paused. My elegant interpretations? So I stayed faithful and, when I sensed Me approachingfor example, when Marge closed her eyes and began to enter a tranceI was quick to jar her awake by shouting, Marge, come back!, After this happened a few times, I realized that the final test still lay ahead: Me was inexorably gathering strength and desperately trying to return to me. I still use many of his graphic insights to illustrate my teaching. Saul hastily concluded that another publication (lengthening his bibliography from 261 to 262 entries) would be far less nourishing than some continued collaboration with the great doctor and, after a few days consideration, suggested another project. (Yet it was true that I had urged Sarah to take him on: she had been reluctant to introduce a patient with cancer into her group. Even insurance forms had to be sent to his secret post office box number. But we talked past each other. His relationship to Phyllis had begun to undergo a perceptible shift. I liked the way you admitted you didnt know and then invited me to explore it together with you.. While I struggled internally with these feelings, I had not expected my patient to perceive them. Ho! I know I should feel more compassion for himbut he is such a creep!, Well, the group finally wised up and began to confront him with his insensitivity, but he showed no remorse whatsoever. And say other things as well, about the way to relate to a patientpositive unconditional regard, nonjudgmental acceptance, authentic engagement, empathic understanding. This existential dilemmaa being who searches for meaning and certainty in a universe that has neitherhas tremendous relevance for the profession of psychotherapist. I want to see you. I considered becoming a Buddhist monk and went to India for a thirty-day meditation retreat in Igapuri, a small village north of Bombay. Alas, he, too, was farsighted, and more of our first minutes together were consumed by his switching to his reading glasses. It seemed to be trying to tell him something. He hated to displease anyone and wanted my approval almost as much as he wanted Dr. K.s. She remained proud, somewhat judgmental, and resistive to new ideas. It seemed the right thing to do. GET EXCLUSIVE OFFERS. The main charge she brought against herself was that she had not been really present with Chrissie. Yalom believes that researchers will eventually correlate electrical and biochemical activity in the brain with experience. The concept of sexual identification has been around at least since De Beauvoirs seminal work The Second Sex, but Yalom fails to mention or even notice that he might be objectifying his clients. When I started the group, your instructions were that I should be honest in expressing my feelings in the group. He taught me to think about the reasons I was put here on earth. Also, you didnt fall asleep. First, remember that Im used to it. Brief Summary of Book: Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom. During these sessions we tried to make sense of what had happened, and mapped out a strategic response to future potential stress. I dont know what you want., How can you be so sure Im listening professionally? Two Smiles: The Story of Marie Concerns/Issues Marie's stiffness in the relationship Yalom's physical attraction to Marie Marie's unwillingness to try hypnosis Marie's inability to trust Yalom and other doctors Interpreting Marie's two smiles during hypnosis "we can never fully know another" (p. 180) She cried every night about her husband's death I hoped that the establishment of an intimate bond with me might sufficiently attenuate her bond with Matthew so that she could pry herself loose from him. It was what I did, not what I said. You seem familiar with itId be very interested to know your opinion of it. Thelma felt, though she did not explicitly say so at the time, that the obsession contained infinitely more vitality than her lived experience. Decisions are difficult for many reasons, some reaching down into the very socket of being. My parents arrived in the United States in their twenties, penniless immigrants from Russia. Thelma, how can you even consider that? It was as though Saul still had no bedroom, no room he had made his own, that was unmistakably his. Why did he have to say letters of a certain relationship earlier in the meeting? This woman, this Me, she understood me. The preparation was finally complete, and the real therapy could now begin. I nagged her with the same question several times, and eventually we became co-investigators, working on it together. She and I, she said, were in the same business: she was everyones therapist. Her plans and her family were shattered: her daughter was dead, her husband gone, one son was in jail, the other in hiding. Do you know anything about Buddhist meditation practice?. Indeed, to prevent that from happening, some therapists construct their office with two doors, one for entering, one for exiting. Im paying you for your opinion. Hypnosis works for stupid people or people with weak wills. I knew what he would think and feel about me. Far from wanting to take back her freedom from Matthew, she had a lust for . Those twenty-seven days were the high point of my life. It occurred to me that I was performing a thankless task. Other suggestions met a similar fate. Sometimes he put them in a file cabinet in quirky categories (under G for guilty, or D for depressionthat is, to be read when deeply depressed). God that's a good title. Betty continued, And somewhere in that year I got the idea I was going to die before I was thirty. The therapeutic act, not the therapeutic word! MIUC catalog Details for: Love's executioner and other tales of In that situation, Marie had acted with alacrity. I kept on trying, but I couldnt find the right one. I hoped to show her that another person could know her fully and still care for her. He gamely proceeded, but not without his usual coyness. But let me give you one answer to that question now. Therefore, as I considered whether I could treat him, I minimized potential obstacles to treatment and persuaded myself that he was more unsocialized than malignantly antisocial, and that many of his noxious traits and beliefs were soft and open to being modified. Careful, careful! I dont think Ive thought of her once till now., Think about her now. Yalom mentions it once when describing Marie but no more. For the past few minutes Saul had been speaking with closed eyes. Its been quite a week.. The small sharp one with the black handle? She had been herself, in a fully spontaneous way, in only two situations in her adult lifewhen she danced and when she and Matthew had been in love for twenty-seven days. I saw the other men in the group smiling at me. We got up to leave, and I offered her my hand, both hands. Especially oral sexI think I told you that when Im in panic, she takes my penis in her mouth and my bad feelings just melt away. I promise to help you ask all the questions you want to ask, all the questions that might release you from the power youve given Matthew. Maybe Im a slow learner.. He was so proud of the insights that he had christened them. I was struck by the fact that the only windows were in the back and were very askewso that you could not really look through them. Maybe I was wrong, but I think her eyes said, Are you satisfied now? I did not comment on her gaze. I dont know why, but Im even relating differently to the men in the group. No, really. I cringed now at the prospect of colleagues and students asking me in the weeks to come, Fill us in. It felt like a breakthrough session. What is the internal inconsistency in the project of psychiatric "treatment"? It seemed to me that the important consideration was my relationship with my patientthe betweenness (one of Bubers endless store of awkward phrases) of Marge and me. What are they teaching you in medical school nowadays?. You fell in love with Matthew because of what he represented to you: someone who would love you totally and unconditionally; who would be entirely devoted to your welfare, to your comfort and growth; who would undo your aging and love you as the young, beautiful Sonia; who provided you the opportunity to escape the pain of being separate and offered you the bliss of selfless merger. I could get long winded here (in fact my colleagues and I half joked about writing a response to this book called Yaloms Executioner in which we deconstruct everything wrong with it) but I wont. Saul, on Tuesday I felt about the letters the way I believe a surgeon feels about a large, dangerous abscess. Saul had in the past been amenable to surgical analogies, being familiar with them from medical school (which he had attended before settling on a research career); moreover, his son was a surgeon. Its always possible, if you want to torment yourself, to find someone to compare yourself with unfavorably. More than anything, I felt sorrow. He knows now that death is waiting for him. All of this followed our session with Matthew. It seemed to me that the source of its hold on her was the power she had given Matthew. I wondered, If disguise were unnecessary, if the dreamer could speak to me without guile, what might he say? But Marie felt trapped with Elmer. I was well enough acquainted with Marge to know exactly what she would do with my blunder: she would say that I had let my true feelings out, that I think shes so hopeless that the only persons with whom she might compare favorably would be the most hapless souls on earth. Throughout my year of work with Marge, I had only a single real rule in my worktreat her as an equal. . She had lost her hope for the future (by that she meant she had lost her one-percent chance of reconciliation); she had also lost the best twenty-seven days of her life (if, as I had shown her, they werent real, then she had lost this sustaining memory of her lifes highest point); and she had also lost eight years of sacrifice (if she had been protecting an illusion, then her sacrifice had been meaningless). 1. I was also careful to avoid sounding as though I were minutely scrutinizing our relationship: this was a time to nurture its growth. When the emergency room nurse asked her for the name of her doctor, she moaned, Call Dr. Z. By general consensus he was the most talented and experienced oral surgeon in the area, and Marie felt that too much was at stake to gamble with an unknown surgeon. You are highly threatening to both of them. Yes, I admit it, a part of me was rooting for Marie to give Mike a hard time: Come on, Marie, do your stuff!. And I can ask hard questions. I need to know you are there at all times to take care of me and prevent me from being frightened.. I felt bewildered by what had happened. Well, I might as well tell you the truth. . Would he ultimately embrace a religious solution? The ominous signs were multiplying rapidly in our relationship: it was losing its human qualities; Saul and I no longer related as friends or allies; we stopped smiling together or touching each other either psychologically or physically. But I, too, mistook their meaning: what I knew of her was but a small fragment of what she would and could tell me of herself. . You may have been in love, but one things for sure: you didnt love Matthew; you have never known Matthew. Thelma had stopped crying and just sat there stock still considering my words. The real actress, the responsible consciousness, remained concealed backstage. What does it mean that Yalom focuses on the here-and-now? Instead of responding to me, Saul lay still, his eyes averted. And powerlessness was the problem in my therapy with Thelma. Penny was ready to change into something else. For a love obsession drains life of its reality, obliterating new experience, both good and badas I know from my own life. Dr. K. responded, I cant prevent you, of course, but I consider it ill advised. Thus, the problem in therapy is always how to move from an ineffectual intellectual appreciation of a truth about oneself to some emotional experience of it. I was certain that Me, the other Marge, was in love with me. Well, what I mean is that I hadnt worked before with heavy patients, and Ive gotten a new appreciation for the problems of I could see from her expression that she was sinking even deeper into disappointment. As I searched for a reply, I remembered something my first analyst, Olive Smith, said to me over thirty years before. I reminded him now of that metaphor. Love's Executioner. Though I had never seen Saul so abject, I was convinced that I would be able to render help quickly. That was a hell of a thing for her to have gone through, and I felt for her, but it seemed to me that she had erred by trying to bootleg therapy for herself in the group. I feel old, really old. In many ways her sons were the real victims of this tragedyas is often true of the siblings of children who die. They are often preternaturally revealing and foreshadow the type of relationship I will be able to establish with a patient.

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